Trusting the Vampire
by nicky-ji
Summary: Just before the final fight with the First, Buffy thinks about all her past boyfriends. Set during episode 7.22 Chosen.


I'm in the dark of the basement, wrapped up in Spike's arms. The floors above us are filled with many sleeping potential slayers and demon fighters. I wish I were asleep like them. That I had comforting thoughts that how the people who brought me here (i.e. Giles and myself) will think of an idea that will end this war. That would end this waiting.

A few hours ago Spike told me how special I am. He believes that I'm amazing; both slayer and Buffy parts. His little speech to me in that abandoned house helped me feel strong. But now I feel uncertain. How am I going to end this war? Sometimes I wish my mom was still here, that she could enclose me in her warmth and tell me everything is going to be all right. Right now I think I need those comforting touches and words more than ever. Spike is just no substitute for my mom.

A year ago I found comfort in Spike. I confided in him that when I had died I went to Heaven. I couldn't tell my friends this. Or even my sister. They only found out the truth when Xander summoned the demon Sweet who caused us all to reveal all our deepest thoughts through song and dance. It was only then that the truth was unwilling forced out of me. I couldn't stand the looks on their faces: the grief, the shame, and the want to make things right again. But I knew that it couldn't be made better. A hug and a kiss goodnight were not going to stop the feeling of gloom inside me; the darkness that had creeped inside my heart to fill the void that was created when my so-called-friends had ripped from heaven. Ripped me from the one place I had truly felt at peace.

Instead of telling them this I plastered on smile and told them that all I needed was some time to re-adjust. I knew my friends wouldn't be able to handle a depressed me. Back when we started our junior year at high school I was a wreck. I feared that somehow the Master would come back and kill me. Or some other A-grade demon would kill me. Either way I would end up dead. Should I've told my friends that I had a fear of dying when early death was written into the slayer job description? It seemed that my friends preferred to see the sunny side of me instead of see the part of me that was always weeping. But Spike, he loved all of me. Even the crying, depressed parts. Partly because of that it was Spike again who I seeked for comfort. To make me feel something other than darkness. To make me think of something other than death. And he did. I knew Spike loved me and each night that I went to him he showed me how much he cared for me. How much he wanted me. Soon I was wanting him too. I craved his touch and kisses that gave me pleasure. Yes it was a brutal pleasure. Spike enjoyed rough sex. He enjoyed experimenting and pushing me to my limits. And I went with it. Just because it made me forget the pain that was living.

Part of me was ashamed by what I let him do to me. What I let myself to do. The only person I confided in about my relationship with Spike was Tara. Somehow I knew that she would accept that I was going through a dark phase and was just waiting to come out and see the blinding light. It was only when Riley caught me with Spike that I felt the full weight of my shame.

I never felt shame with Riley. He was good and pure, and desperately wanted the world to be a safe place. He wanted me to be safe. And there was a time that I let him, I let him hold me and wrap me and tell me everything was going to be all right. I never really believed him though. He might have known about demons, but he didn't know just how dark the world of demons really was. And I got sucked into that world everyday. Riley wanted to understand that world. Maybe he thought that if he understood it he could protect me from it, stop me falling into it so much. Stop me from letting myself being pulled into its dark depths. I like to believe that was what Riley thought. It gives him the excuse that he let vampires feed of himself in an attempt to understand the darkness of the world and why I was so attracted to it. Why I had dated a vampire, was friends with another, let Dracula feed off me, why I was friends with a witch and a werewolf. Ordinary people do not do those things.

But he never realized that he couldn't protect me from all those things. He was just an allusion. I pretended he could look after me. But he couldn't. It was nice though, acting as if one hug from him could make everything okay again. The problem was I didn't trust him. After what happened with Faith (when Riley slept with her) I knew I couldn't trust him. I wanted to, I pretended I could. The truth never disappeared though. I couldn't trust him to protect me because he couldn't even look in my eyes and see me looking back.

It's strange. I told Angel I trusted Riley. Funny that Angel was one of the things I was trusting Riley to keep me (and my heart) safe from. Angel always manages to hurt me if intentional or not. He's close to my heart. I can't change that. He knows what buttons to press. Angel was the first person I fell in love with. I let him soak me up, take my innocence, take my love. And he loved me back. It was a wonderful feeling. I still remember the one and only night we made love. I can recall every move, every touch, every taste and every sound. Sometimes I wish I could relive that night. It was filled with love. It's a shame that the following day shattered my heart. I never knew Angel had such cruelty in him, that he knew how to be that mean. Angel kept lots of secrets from me. I understood he was ashamed of what he had done in the past but I wasn't a little girl. I fought demons everyday; whether they were the actual monster kind or people's issues. Angel never realized that that would help make you grow up fast. A lot of the time he just saw me as a girl. I guess there were times when I saw him only as a vampire. It's hard to think of him as a person as he rarely did human things. Normal couples go to the cinema, we on the other hand went hunting. But I guess the focus of a relationship is your love for each other. I told him once that I loved him but I wasn't sure I trusted him. Personally I think that sums it up. How can you trust someone you barely know? I can't answer that question. I still care about him though, but I couldn't ever let him care for my heart anymore.

And here I am with Spike. He knows my inner darkness. He knows that my heart needs protecting. And he knows that I trust him. Because that's the key to a relationship. Trust.


End file.
